Category: Humour


The world beneath…..

Albert Einstein had once said that the Universe is expanding. It’s expanding since its creation. After each and every big bang a new world is created, new things happen which we, in our limited scope of mind may not be able to think of. Some scientific thinkers even believe that there exist many other worlds apart from ours. But I believe there are worlds within worlds, unperturbed, undisturbed and without being interfered by any other extraneous force just like the world where I live. It’s been a long day and I really need to come out as night is approaching. Oh….dint I tell you about myself? I, Mr. Khatmal along with my large family live in the world beneath the pillow of a person staying in the room no. F3B of ISME boys’ hostel. He calls himself Prasanna ( you now start wondering, is it really possible for a bed bug to write in such a beautiful manner and that too in English, plz excuse me for all my grammatical mistakes). But you know, living with this fellow has got its advantages.

I have this 18 sq. Ft. estate where I was born, brought up and run all my nocturnal activities today. This is not the only estate I own, as some of my ancestral properties also exist in different floors of this building. Within a very short period of time, I’ve successfully multiplied my species resulting in nightmares for the inmates. They have tried every possible measure to get rid of us, but here we are, undefeated and unbeaten.

Now, the character Prasanna is one of the laziest persons I have ever came across. Frankly speaking, I’m trying to be a little diplomatic while declaring this. In fact I’ve never seen anybody other than him and his roommate. These two fellows compete with each other for being the late riser. And I must say that his roommate always surpasses him. Prasanna has been quite generous with us. Apart from two occasions when he tried to sprinkle some chemical liquid on us, there has been no untoward incident from his side. We enjoy a very harmonious relationship after a series of bilateral talk that continued throughout the winter season. He promised not to disturb us, and our community promised not to draw more than 500 ml. of blood every month. But sometimes I see the bitterness regarding the agreement in his eyes in early mornings when he desperately scratches the rashes created by my family members on his body.

I still remember the day when we had a really bloody battle in my estate. He along with some of his stupid friends tried to sprinkle Khatnil and Kerosene on us. Many of my brave sons and soldiers died a martyr’s death. But somehow I survived. And today what you see is the result of a carefully carved out strategy which forced him to retreat and compromise with us. Today, I see a book on “Strategy Management” on his table after he came to realize that behind every successful venture there is a rock solid strategy. (I hope he doesn’t ask me to teach him this subject). My strategy was to reproduce as quickly as possible, so I chose his cup board as the next best option after his bed. While he was busy with his Khatnil operation, I along with some of my wives crawled through the narrowest path possible to reach his cup board. He could not notice us and that’s the biggest mistake he did. However I have forgiven him after we had this agreement as he has been my only bread and butter…..oops…….sorry blood supplier.
Today, I have my organization which solely works on how to stop humans from attacking us. The newly formed organization has effectively carried out its operations in different floors and I see a bright future ahead.

Tonight, some of my major blood suckers and me are going to visit the room right above F3B. My cousin lives there and he is having some sort of difficulties adjusting with the changing infrastructure (I heard the inmates have taken beds out of their room and have decided to sleep on the floor).
Ok, my troop is ready now and I must leave. See you later.

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Bollywood parody

Have you ever thought beyond the usual Dharamji and Big B dialogs in Hindi movies? We have a lot of stereotyped conversations of those Hindi movies which seem funny now. If somebody wants to make a movie using all those dialogs, I’m sure; he will be able to do cost cutting in script writing up to a great extent. So, now I’m thinking of giving a free advice to Mahesh Bhatt to quit making those sex and violence movies and make some comedy movies. To make his work simple, I’m writing some sample dialogs, hope he picks up an idea from them.

Scene 1:

A female call centre employee is kidnapped by a goon.

Kidnapper: Chal phone lagaa ghar pe………aur maang bees lakh, nahin to tujhe pata hai, apun kya kar sakta hai tere saath!

Ladki: Jo karna hai, kar le. Main nahin karoongi phone…..aur haan teen din ke andar ek Unwanted-72 le aana!

Scene 2:

Wife and mother of a salesman kidnapped.

Kidnapper to mother: Aee….. boodhiya, phone lagaa apne bete ko….aur paisa maang, nahin toh abhi tum donon ko khallas kar dalega!!!!

Mother: Yeh kisko pakad liya tum logon ne……kuchh nahin milnewala tum logon ko!!!!…isse achha hota, agar tum uske potential customer ko pakadte……..!!!! Tum logon ko paisa miljata………..aur mere bête ki sales bhi badh jaati. Lekin humen chhodane ke liye uske paas time kahan hai?

Scene 3: A top NASA astronomer is kidnapped by a biotechnologist.

Astronomer: Tum kya karne wale ho mere saath?

Biotechnologist: Hum tumhara ek clone banayega…..aur usme tumhara memory dalega……hum dekhna chahta hai ki human cloning kitna successful hai?

2 years passes by. The astronomer, once back from a space tour finds his clone with his wife in bed. The wife not so intelligent, but a beautiful ex-model, says – “Ab tum dono aapas me faisla karo, kaun mere saath rahega…bahut confusion hota hai…..by the way, I’m comfortable with both of you”.

Scene 4:

The conversation between the CEO of a company and his gorgeous lady secretary….

Lucie: Boss, mein aapke bachhe ki maa banne wali hoon…

Boss: What crap..!!!!………..arre meri biwi ne chaar saal pehle, jabardasti mera nasbandi ka operation karwadiya tha.  Uske baad maine na jaane kya kya kiya…….tab kuchh nahin hua, toh ab kaise hogaya?

Scene 5:

Villain: Agar tune apne maa ka doodh piya hai, toh baahar nikal…..aur lad mujhse………..!!!

Hero: Kaise ladoon saale, tu ne condition jo rakh diya hai………?

Villain: Matlab, saaf saaf bol….

Hero: Kaash meri maa ne apne khoobsoorti se jyaada mujh pe dhyaan diya hota.

Scene 6:

Arre……Ruk ja bhai……….ek din me sab kuchh padh lega kya? Aaj ke liye itna kaafi hai……….aur haan, if you have any more of them, please contribute. The best contributor will be awarded “ONE PACKET GOA”.

Do Anaar, Teen Bimaar

Pick up a 19-20 year old boy(irrespective of his family background, education, looks) and ask him the greatest problem he is facing now-a-days. The answer, most probably will be how the ex-boy friend of his ex-ex-girl friend is eying on his current girlfriend, or how he has morphed the picture(basically the head) of the lady class teacher with Pamela Anderson’s body and the teacher has come to know about this. The list is endless. The Generation Y is having an edge over its predecessors. I think it should be Y+.

Now, don’t be surprised with the title of the topic. I am gonna share with you some of my experiences when I was a 20 year old. It was 31st December 2004. I was on a journey from Bangalore to Mumbai along with my batch mates. We were 30 in number. Due to some problem regarding the seating arrangement in the train, we had to cancel the tickets and decided to go in a bus. I was in the middle seat in some row, Junaid right to me and Bipul at left. We left the hotel at 7 pm.

Scene 1:

Junaid: Hey Prasan, how do I look, I mean, am I looking good with this jacket ?

(Junaid has just bought a cheap denim jacket from Majestic, which later found out to be undersized for him and he has already lost two buttons while trying to put it on. )

Prasan: Oh, dear friend you always look good.(Now, Prasan is a boy who never breaks a heart, especially if it’s a friend.)

Junaid: Well, mmmmmm……eh…..aaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!

Prasan: You wanna say something?

Junaid: Yah…..is it ok if I propose Dolly? What do you think?

Prasan: Dolly, ……hain….I din’t get you! I mean, I beg your pardon but, I thought you are after Sunita?

Junaid: Have you gone mad? I was never after that palm tree! Dolly, I think is just perfect for me.

Prasan: OK, nice! if you think so, go ahead, give your best shot.

Junaid:Thanks yaar, but before I take the leap, let me ask Karan. Who knows, if he has some medicine for me!

Junaid goes to sit near Karan. Now, Karan is a boy who is more or less similar to the character played by Yash Tonk in the movie “Ishq Vishq”. He plays the role of a catalyst in each and every love reaction, whereas his own love life is in a doom.

Scene 2:

It’s 9 pm. The bus has just halted so that we can have dinner. I asked Bipul to come with me, but he seemed to be a little upset. Thinking that he would come later, I go down and have my dinner. After 30 mins, I go into the bus and find Bipul still seated there. He is not willing to talk to me. So I ask other friends to do something. A little later he is pulled out of the bus to have his dinner.

Scene 3:

Now, it’s 12.30 am. I had a little nap. Suddenly, I heared somebody sobbing and to my surprise, it was Bipul. He has hugged a teddy bear to his chest and is siting like the stump of a recently cut banyan tree. Now, I get curious about him.Well, the situation can be best described as the Mandakini of “Ram Teri Ganga Maili” trying to feed her son in a train. I think most of you can relate it.(I don’t know why I always end up comparing it with a movie scene whenever I find a peculiar situation!)

Prasan: Are you crying, Bipul?

Bipul(Wiping his tears): No.

Prasan: Tell me the truth. What’s the problem?

Bipul: Ohh God! Prasan, all my dreams have been shattered. Did you see Sunita with that guy, in the corridor?

Prasan: Oh yah, they are close friends. I know that guy. He is staying in Bangalore now a days.

Bipul: Noooo! Sunita had lunch with him. She also got a gift from him!

Prasan: But, why are you crying(I know the reason, but I’m trying to tease him)?

Bipul: Don’t you know, I love Sunita?

Prasan: Ha ha ha ha….you…….you love that palm tree!!!!!!! She is 2 inches taller than you, man!

Bipul: No, she is actually of my height. She looks taller only when she wears those high heel shoes.

Prasan: Ok, now what you wanna do?

Bipul: What can I do when she has got engaged with that guy?

Prasan: Hey, nothing happened. You can still pursue her.

My words have no effect on him. He goes on shedding tears. By 5 am, I find the left half of my shirt fully drenched with saline water. What really happened is, he has rested his head on my shoulder all through the night and has taken every possible measure to wet me with both tear and saliva.

Scene 4:

5:30 am. Bus halts near a public wash room for a while, so that we can get refreshed. Now, while boarding the bus again I saw something which is described below.

Karan has his right hand on the left chest of Junaid. In his left hand he is holding a wrist watch and he is counting Junaid’s heartbeat.

Karan: Oh my goodness! It’s beating fast. It seems you din’t sleep well last night.

Junaid: Oh it’s true! Tell me the no.

Karan: It’s 98…you better take it as 100.

Junaid: I’m nervous! I think I won’t be able to do it.

Karan: You can…..my friend….Just be confident and tell her.

So I got the clue that Junaid is going to propose Dolly.

Both Junaid and Bipul proposed Dolly and Sunita respectively, and got the same response. Both were rejected. Now, don’t ask me why? After all those were a kind of psychos.

Now what about the “Teesra Bimaar”? . You remember the guy who had lunch with Sunita? That one! Except some of his meetings with me in Cuttack where I was studying, he was always out of focus.

Sunita and Dolly got married 2 years back. Sunita, I got to hear, is now settled in US and has become the mother of a cute boy and Dolly is somewhere in Hyderabad.

Junaid, Karan and Bipul have got decent jobs and the fictious person who was trying to morph the picture of the class teacher with Pamela Anderson’s body has landed up in ISME, Bangalore.

PS: Based on a true story. 4.39% manipulation with the facts so as to hide the character names. Don’t be surprised with the percentage mentioned, because MBA students always need to be perfect.

Whomsoever it may concern?

Since time immemorial I’ve been subjected to many bad things,I’ve been doing not so good jobs. Initially I din’t mind, but now it is enough. In an era where people depend on machines for everything,
why should I suffer, why should I do all those things which my counterpart has not done atleast for once? Well, I’m very happy for people like Amitabh, Sachin and Bill Clinton for they have not neglected me.
Are you people getting an idea about me? I’m your left hand. You people have not used me in a proper way. It may not be your fault. It may be your cerebrum, your parents, the society but, atleast try to
understand my concerns! You know, I’ve been asking God about my very existence since Adam ate that forbidden apple on Eve’s persuation! But I’ve not yet got any answer. I’m  suffering the most in the Indian subcontinent.
All my services have gone in vain.

Don’t you think it is a physical and mental torture to me? Why would I be forced to touch all those nasty things, which you would never use your right hand for?
I need an explanation.

Love is Blind,love is Deaf too.Anything can happen in love.It’s so common to fall in love and marry.But what if your beloved
happens to be an accomplished wrestler? So what…….? You may ask…!!Are not the wrestlers human?….Ofcourse they are. But
what if you are in love with a female wrestler….Hey girls don’t take it otherwise….I’m not that type….. I swear..!! And perhaps
this time you are all set to drag me to court for questioning women Liberalization and on the charges of Human Right
Violation . OK , do as you wish , but I must complete this post .

Well,then you are in love , she is an accomplished wrestler and you a ……. OK , just leave this part , there is nothing to do with
your profession. So you got married and back from honeymoon.Now what your daily life will be like? Below are some possible consequences.

1) She will always be at the top position. Yeah , whether it is your everyday life or you are just making out on the bed , she will
always be at the top position. And you dare not ask why!

2) Never ever enter into an argument with her or there are chances of you falling flat on your back while someone counting 1 to
10 behind you.Well the referee may be one of your children if you are already over with that part.(the duty of a true home
maker).

3) Vegetables are not going to be an essential part of your diet , and if you happen to be a strict vegetarian, there are chances that
you will fall asleep with an empty stomach।

4) You are more likely to see dumbbells and punch bags instead of lipstick, body lotion and nail polish.

5) A time may come when you realize , that it would have been better to stay as a g_y rather than marrying a female
wrestler।(Well, I’m not that type) .

6) Everything is not bad either…..you need not be the body guard of your wife rather she would act as yours.

After reading this post if you have dropped the idea of marrying one of them , then I’ve accomplished something and those of
you guys who are planning to marry a lady wrestler , Best Of Luck for your future .